Dig a way

I have just finished reading Rob Bell's book 'Love wins' when in the last chapter it dawned on me. We have got some digging to do. I have a lot of things in my life to unlearn, one of them being my view of God. As I mentioned in my previous post, people are all shaped from early on through our experiences and environments. It is no less true in my life.

Growing up as a farm girl, I know a thing or two about sheep. I know for one, how to deliver a lamb an hour before going to school in the morning. I also know, that the proverb 'one sheep follows another' wasn't just made up. They actually do that, even to their own detriment.

I think that in my faith-forming years I have often just gone all sheep on myself, following blindly in any direction other sheep would lead. This walking around behind others have shaped my understanding of myself and God, unconsciously I have learnt some weird ideas. The problem with the sheep-mentality is that it is very hard to un-sheep yourself. Habits die hard. So even though I now know that God is Love, unconditional love and forgiveness and grace. I still habitually wander around acting as if God is a wolf waiting on the sidelines. Mentally I know the truth, I have had my eyes open for a while, but today I realised that I have kept my heart well hidden away. It is one thing knowing, but believing is a whole different story.

So today I decided that I have to dig a bit, unearth all the reasons why I still believe that God is out to get me, and uproot them. The plan then, is to dig a way for God's love to enter my heart.

Underpainting

While painting today I started drawing comparisons between the underpainting I was busy with and my life. The old masters used to paint a complete one-toned painting underneath, in a shade that complimented the finished work. This underneath layer was often out of proportion, a bit off and served as a starting point from which the artwork was build up in layers.

Isn't it true that we as humans also have an underpainting? That first incomplete layer that's only a mere suggestion of who we will eventually be. I don't believe that anyone of us is a finished work yet, but we are all still being layered. One thing interesting about the underpainting is that it shines through. Almost like DNA it is always present in the final work.

Our roots, where we come from, how our lives where shaped early on, has a profound effect on our creation process. Some learn to fix the little disproportionate bits and add a little sheen. Others let it purely shine through, leaving the first rough strokes as part of their lives.

It probably doesn't matter how many layers or how finished our painting becomes but rather that it was representative of a life lived.

Headspace

It has been such a long time since I have had space for myself in my head. It seems that I have several other occupants inside my head all clamouring at the same time. Random personas vie for my attention.

Persona one: List-Making persona

Constantly telling me when, what and where everything happens. 

9:00 drop off kids

9:15 coffee date

11:00 Washing!!! (Been in the machine for two days already)

13:00 Groceries (Make new list in supermarket because I left list at home)

and the list goes on

Persona two: Best-wife-ever persona

Diet! (He didn't marry me looking like this)

Be a better cook (mince cannot be used three times a week)

Make sure there is leftovers (men with good wives take lunch to work)

Be less tired at bedtime (and wear something sexy)

Valentines day is coming (no movies, dining or chocolate this time)

Persona three: Professional designer persona

Quick quotes = good service

Fresh ideas = good service

Fast turnaround = good service

ABC = Attitude, Belief, Commitment

Persona four: The artist persona

Working on this one, very vague messages, all weird and airy fairy. Stuff like 'the artist rules' and 'subjective consciousness'. This one talks gibberish most of the time.

Persona five: The immigrant persona

Keep in touch, keep in touch, be strong, keep in touch, try to write letters, last until next visit.

Become an Ozzie. (Sound less like I do not have a clue)

So finally there isn't much time or space left just for me. The persona that always stand last in line. The persona that will stand in an art gallery and breathe for the first time. The persona that loves silence. The persona that once was a child. The persona that embraces the beauty of simple things. The persona at the heart of me.

I am here

So I haven't written in like forever, but hey the girl is busy. Suddenly I find myself in the midst of my day thinking, 'I am here'. I am here, in this place, time and moment. I am here having tea with some of my best friends. I am here and I know where here is. I am here and I am not wishing that it will be tomorrow. It is such a nice feeling having a moment where you realise - this is it, I have done what I wanted to do. Little over one year ago, I was adrift in a sea of the unknown, but today I am here and somehow I have made myself fit.