I have just finished reading Rob Bell's book 'Love wins' when in the last chapter it dawned on me. We have got some digging to do. I have a lot of things in my life to unlearn, one of them being my view of God. As I mentioned in my previous post, people are all shaped from early on through our experiences and environments. It is no less true in my life.
Growing up as a farm girl, I know a thing or two about sheep. I know for one, how to deliver a lamb an hour before going to school in the morning. I also know, that the proverb 'one sheep follows another' wasn't just made up. They actually do that, even to their own detriment.
I think that in my faith-forming years I have often just gone all sheep on myself, following blindly in any direction other sheep would lead. This walking around behind others have shaped my understanding of myself and God, unconsciously I have learnt some weird ideas. The problem with the sheep-mentality is that it is very hard to un-sheep yourself. Habits die hard. So even though I now know that God is Love, unconditional love and forgiveness and grace. I still habitually wander around acting as if God is a wolf waiting on the sidelines. Mentally I know the truth, I have had my eyes open for a while, but today I realised that I have kept my heart well hidden away. It is one thing knowing, but believing is a whole different story.
So today I decided that I have to dig a bit, unearth all the reasons why I still believe that God is out to get me, and uproot them. The plan then, is to dig a way for God's love to enter my heart.
Apr 13, 2012
Mar 8, 2012
Underpainting
While painting today I started drawing comparisons between the underpainting I was busy with and my life. The old masters used to paint a complete one-toned painting underneath, in a shade that complimented the finished work. This underneath layer was often out of proportion, a bit off and served as a starting point from which the artwork was build up in layers.
Isn't it true that we as humans also have an underpainting? That first incomplete layer that's only a mere suggestion of who we will eventually be. I don't believe that anyone of us is a finished work yet, but we are all still being layered. One thing interesting about the underpainting is that it shines through. Almost like DNA it is always present in the final work.
Our roots, where we come from, how our lives where shaped early on, has a profound effect on our creation process. Some learn to fix the little disproportionate bits and add a little sheen. Others let it purely shine through, leaving the first rough strokes as part of their lives.
It probably doesn't matter how many layers or how finished our painting becomes but rather that it was representative of a life lived.
Isn't it true that we as humans also have an underpainting? That first incomplete layer that's only a mere suggestion of who we will eventually be. I don't believe that anyone of us is a finished work yet, but we are all still being layered. One thing interesting about the underpainting is that it shines through. Almost like DNA it is always present in the final work.
Our roots, where we come from, how our lives where shaped early on, has a profound effect on our creation process. Some learn to fix the little disproportionate bits and add a little sheen. Others let it purely shine through, leaving the first rough strokes as part of their lives.
It probably doesn't matter how many layers or how finished our painting becomes but rather that it was representative of a life lived.
Feb 10, 2012
Headspace
It has been such a long time since I have had space for myself in my head. It seems that I have several other occupants inside my head all clamouring at the same time. Random personas vie for my attention.
Persona one: List-Making persona
Constantly telling me when, what and where everything happens.
9:00 drop off kids
9:15 coffee date
11:00 Washing!!! (Been in the machine for two days already)
13:00 Groceries (Make new list in supermarket because I left list at home)
and the list goes on
Persona two: Best-wife-ever persona
Diet! (He didn't marry me looking like this)
Be a better cook (mince cannot be used three times a week)
Make sure there is leftovers (men with good wives take lunch to work)
Be less tired at bedtime (and wear something sexy)
Valentines day is coming (no movies, dining or chocolate this time)
Persona three: Professional designer persona
Quick quotes = good service
Fresh ideas = good service
Fast turnaround = good service
ABC = Attitude, Belief, Commitment
Persona four: The artist persona
Working on this one, very vague messages, all weird and airy fairy. Stuff like 'the artist rules' and 'subjective consciousness'. This one talks gibberish most of the time.
Persona five: The immigrant persona
Keep in touch, keep in touch, be strong, keep in touch, try to write letters, last until next visit.
Become an Ozzie. (Sound less like I do not have a clue)
So finally there isn't much time or space left just for me. The persona that always stand last in line. The persona that will stand in an art gallery and breathe for the first time. The persona that loves silence. The persona that once was a child. The persona that embraces the beauty of simple things. The persona at the heart of me.
Feb 8, 2012
I am here
So I haven't written in like forever, but hey the girl is busy. Suddenly I find myself in the midst of my day thinking, 'I am here'. I am here, in this place, time and moment. I am here having tea with some of my best friends. I am here and I know where here is. I am here and I am not wishing that it will be tomorrow. It is such a nice feeling having a moment where you realise - this is it, I have done what I wanted to do. Little over one year ago, I was adrift in a sea of the unknown, but today I am here and somehow I have made myself fit.
Dec 7, 2010
Immigrationis
You would think that I have a medical condition called immigrationis or something, because every time I have been to see a doctor in Australia, all my symptoms add up to one explanation - the stress of being an immigrant. And you know what? I know I'm fresh of the boat, but hey, not every medical symptom can can be explained this way!
So today I go to the doc, because my ear hurts. It's been hurting for two weeks, but I've been too hesitant to go to the doc as it could just be a case of immigrationis. While I'm there I mention that my womanly clock has also been out. First off he tells me, that the womanly trails definitely can be attributed to... you guessed it, immigrationis! Then somewhere between taking my blood pressure and telling me that I should remember to use contraceptives when having affairs (a hole other post in itself!) he seems to remember about my ear.
I was so relieved to hear (excuse the pun), that I do have another condition other than the I-condition. I have ear infection. I could almost fall on my knees and weep of joy, but then he said; 'I don't think we will treat it with antibiotics, but you can take paracetamol for it. It should clear up on it's own.'
In the end I paid $108 for a 20 min stressed out doctors visit, and I go away thinking, I should have just swallowed a disprin. AND my ear still hurts.
So today I go to the doc, because my ear hurts. It's been hurting for two weeks, but I've been too hesitant to go to the doc as it could just be a case of immigrationis. While I'm there I mention that my womanly clock has also been out. First off he tells me, that the womanly trails definitely can be attributed to... you guessed it, immigrationis! Then somewhere between taking my blood pressure and telling me that I should remember to use contraceptives when having affairs (a hole other post in itself!) he seems to remember about my ear.
I was so relieved to hear (excuse the pun), that I do have another condition other than the I-condition. I have ear infection. I could almost fall on my knees and weep of joy, but then he said; 'I don't think we will treat it with antibiotics, but you can take paracetamol for it. It should clear up on it's own.'
In the end I paid $108 for a 20 min stressed out doctors visit, and I go away thinking, I should have just swallowed a disprin. AND my ear still hurts.
Dec 6, 2010
Making sense
6 December 2010
Rob Bell says; 'There is greatness in you. Courage. Desire. Integrity. Virtue. Compassion. Dignity. Loyalty. Love. It's in there - somewhere. And sometimes it takes suffering to get at it.'
That is what this blog is about. The continuous chipping away to get to the core. I want my writing to be a journey of self exploration. By thinking hard about subjects and by writing my thoughts about them I somehow find myself making sense of things and in the process discovering myself. Sometimes I think because my right brain has completely taken over I have no left brain left (excuse the pun). The stuff that goes on in my head is all flowery and emotional and nothing ever gets ordered. It's like all these ideas float around in my head, bumping against each other making me even more confused.
Here's the issues I have floating around at the moment:
Rob Bell says; 'There is greatness in you. Courage. Desire. Integrity. Virtue. Compassion. Dignity. Loyalty. Love. It's in there - somewhere. And sometimes it takes suffering to get at it.'
That is what this blog is about. The continuous chipping away to get to the core. I want my writing to be a journey of self exploration. By thinking hard about subjects and by writing my thoughts about them I somehow find myself making sense of things and in the process discovering myself. Sometimes I think because my right brain has completely taken over I have no left brain left (excuse the pun). The stuff that goes on in my head is all flowery and emotional and nothing ever gets ordered. It's like all these ideas float around in my head, bumping against each other making me even more confused.
Here's the issues I have floating around at the moment:
- The kids are off to school in the new year and suddenly I have a big chunk of spare time - (I've been waiting to get my life back, but now that it is happening I don't know what to do with it.)
- I've got too many ideas - (I want to paint, write, make movies, teach and the list goes on.)
- I'm in a new country! - (I am still adjusting, trying to get what this place is about.)
- I can't just be at home cleaning 24/7 - (I have to have purpose, or else I'll go mad)
- I need to serve more - (I want to do more good, be better, be of use)
Dec 3, 2010
The gift
3 December 2010
So tonight I am a bit tired. I have found the cure for all insomniacs! Get more kids, especially the two year old ones, they work best. You see U2 is in the country and our friends asked if we could babysit their little angel for the night.
Your first thought would be that they drove me insane, right? Though it hardly was the case. My kids are at the age where they are the perfect little helpers when babysitting. They were exemplary and very good at making whatever they do everyone's focus. Our visiting angel, Melissa was even better. Sweet as honey and so well behaved.
But here's the thing. She is so tiny and so brave, that I was an awed spectator. At age two she just once asked for her mommy although I sensed that the question was foremost in her mind. I feel honored to receive the trust of such an innocent. She looked at me with those chocolate brown eyes and and my heart would melt. It was as if she wanted to say; "I know your not my mommy, but I am willing to give you a chance". What a rare gift it is to be trusted by one so little?
It wakes me up to think that sometimes I take the trust my own kids bestow on me for granted. I think the weight of that trust fell on me tonight (together with keeping a constant watchful eye of course...) and that somehow gave me the gift of just being DEAD TIRED. Hallelujah.
So tonight I am a bit tired. I have found the cure for all insomniacs! Get more kids, especially the two year old ones, they work best. You see U2 is in the country and our friends asked if we could babysit their little angel for the night.
Your first thought would be that they drove me insane, right? Though it hardly was the case. My kids are at the age where they are the perfect little helpers when babysitting. They were exemplary and very good at making whatever they do everyone's focus. Our visiting angel, Melissa was even better. Sweet as honey and so well behaved.
But here's the thing. She is so tiny and so brave, that I was an awed spectator. At age two she just once asked for her mommy although I sensed that the question was foremost in her mind. I feel honored to receive the trust of such an innocent. She looked at me with those chocolate brown eyes and and my heart would melt. It was as if she wanted to say; "I know your not my mommy, but I am willing to give you a chance". What a rare gift it is to be trusted by one so little?
It wakes me up to think that sometimes I take the trust my own kids bestow on me for granted. I think the weight of that trust fell on me tonight (together with keeping a constant watchful eye of course...) and that somehow gave me the gift of just being DEAD TIRED. Hallelujah.
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